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A Random Thought

How can one feel this way
Today, tomorrow, even yesterday
How can one endure so much pain
And yet have a smile on your face.
Fake fake fake is the only way,
To get thru the day
Ho[ping to feel a different way
In the darkness of all this dismay


I don’t know how to write, but I feel this way
Im trapped, I'm lost

Never thought this might happen to me
Never thought I would be the one to feel
Horrible pain, and anguish, that has become a part of me. I hate myself, because I let myself down.
I have fallen, but do not know how to get up.
I have the will, but not the strength.
I’m weak, how easy that is to say.
I believe it, and feel it everyday
I’ve lost all faith and a sense of direction,
My life has become meaningless, stagnant
No action

As I roam thru the darkness alone and very alone
I have become accustomed to my life being prone
That scares me more than the fact of being

When will I mature?

I am a man by definition of age
Not by merit or accomplishments by which all men gauge
NEXT DAY….
Woke up thinking today would be a new day, a fresh start, but no, still the same world, still the same me, and that cloud that is over me dark and dreary begins to pour over me with tremendous force, as soon as my eyes open, from what seemed to be a rest for my body and not my mind. I have not slept or should I say my mind as not stopped or taken a quick rest in over a year now. I’m tired. I just want one night of decent sleep, were I can let everything go, and just drift away to sleep like I used to. How I long for that, I’m jealous when I see my son fight with himself to stay awake just to hang out with me, but he never wins, it just takes over him like a flood of water that washes over him and takes him away, and there he goes, to lala land, where everything is possible. There is an advantage to being awake all the time, I do appreciate the moments like these, watching my son fall asleep and being there when he wakes up in the morning. Sometimes I hope he gets up early so we can start the day. Some parents would shoot me for saying this, because I learnt once you have kids, say goodbye sleep among other things, so when u get it take advantage of it. But n’wy , back to the disappointing start of the day. I was supposed to get up, early!!! Shower, and head over to the library to study. But what did I do? I woke up and the fist thing I did was light up a dubi to calm me down, and now I’m too lazy to do anything. Pathetic, I hate myself for being this way. WEAK. I’ve always thought that, weak was too far a strong word to be named weak. “You’re weak”, those are some harsh words. But that’s how I feel. I cant even do the right thing anymore without days of self convincing. It is hard for me to control me. How crazy does that sound. To be out of control of you.. I do feel like I'm in the back ground of me and I'm just watching as things unfold in front of me to me by me, with no control over it, not quite true. But with some disconnect to everything that makes me, me. That is very scary. I do not care. Why cant I shake this shit off? Its been over a year now, I'm tired, something has to give. Time is wasting, time I can never get back. I'm an adult but I feel like a child. I m trapped… when will my help come, I have dreams and goals too. Hahaha. Had dreams and goals, now I'm just worthless and a loser.
Ive been blaming it on smoking, my ex wife everything else but me. I logically, I know I make the life I live, it is up to me. Ok, I realize this, now what. Nothing really helps, talking, writing , working out, it all doesn’t help. My mind needs a reset.

Comments

1) Only you can choose the life you live. If you want change, only you can bring it. If you need help, join a group, go therapy or go to rehab. I see you get positive when you speak of your son, but then you bring yourself back to negativity. Why is it that once you find something to be positive about, you draw yourself back? Stop it! You deserve better! Your son deserves you! There is always hope, and you should never ever ever give up! There is hope. There is help. Look for it. Use it. Get rid of those drugs if you think that it is contributing. Force yourself out there if need be. But do it. Only you can. People can only help. Sometimes its not what we want, but what we really need. What do you need? You only know. Get out there and get it done. Peace an love, my friend. I'm rooting for you! Anonymous

2) Twloha.com. Anonymous

3) There are some things that we can not prevent and they choose the life we live. One of those things is cancer. Anonymous

4) Your not alone. There's an army out there of people not sleeping, of wishing for greatness but simply struggling to get by. We've tried, we've dreamed and we were disappointed by ourselves and by life. Now we just want to get by without feeling the harsh pain of failure. You write very well and it felt from the heart. Keep up the battle called life, by it's nature, it will get better and worse. Jakeish

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